Conflicted

I am conflicted.  I am somewhat ashamed.  I am a living example of how broken the system is.

Last year (2009), I was laid off work on February 6. I submitted over 100 applications and resumes, receiving only 3 replies for my efforts, none of which ended up with an actual interview. On this point, let's be clear: I am 47 years old, and it has never in my adult life taken me longer than about a week to find work if I was genuinely trying to find it. Anyway, about July of last year, I was getting very down on myself for not finding work, and my lovely wife put her foot up my butt and made me return to college to occupy my time.  She is a wise girl. 

So anyway, I spent almost 11 months on unemployment last year. I did NOT have federal taxes withdrawn from my Unemployment benefits.

In June of last year, my wife was also laid off, due to company downsizing. She saw this as an opportunity to increase her college load from part time to full time. She, like myself, never had taxes withheld from her Unemployment checks.  Now, onto my being conflicted.

The system is broken. At the end of the year, I owed no taxes. This, I can understand, as I basically made almost no money. But we received a tax refund of over $6000. Lord knows, I can use the $ as Unemployment is about to run out and that will leave me living off of student loans while paying a mortgage and supporting a family. It is a God-send. *BUT*, I am ashamed that I received a larger refund than I ever have before - by far, when I paid next to $0 into the system.

There is more.  Since my wife is a "displaced worker" and a full time student, the government is basically throwing money at her. The amount of Pell Grants she receives continues to grow, almost by the month.

Meanwhile, check this out.  One of my wife's friends has a husband about to ship out to Afganistan. His National Guard unit is so broke, that the new recruits have fired live ammunition in training ONE time! One time and off to war they go! The rest of the training, I assume, has been conducted with blank ammunition and what is known as a MILES system (lasers and vests that beep when you are "hit"). MILES training is effective; I did it many times when I was in the Army during Reagan's peace time. But it is no substitution for actually firing and learning your individual weapon on the rifle range.

I am conflicted. I fully understand the intention to get me "dependent" on government hand-outs. I am angry at myself for accepting them and being thankful for them.